This term has sat with me for about a month now and I personally had to process it within my body before I could share it.
This term first appeared in a conversation I had with a girlfriend. The idea that while men have a physical penis, woman have an invisible emotional penis.
I often pride myself as someone who has tremendous amount of awareness, consciousness and respect for others. When I heard this term, my body contracted, and my mind went to all the times that I had ‘penetrated’ with my words, energy and emotions, without consent. I felt like a predator.
‘Emotional penis’ or even ‘emotional predator’ - the terms themselves made me cringe, feel uneasy, yucky and sh*t.
In the last piece that I wrote about “Where are all the good men?”, one of the patterns that we as women often do, without warning or permission, is dump our emotional stuff on men simply because they are there.
This is not behaviour specific to women only, men do it too. This is not a piece about gender separation but more so with the intention of bringing more union.
How many of us feel used and violated when we are ‘penetrated’ without consent? How many of us feel uneasy when our boundaries aren’t respected?
Emotional violation can feel the same. Just because the violation is emotional doesn’t take away its impact or intensity. Emotional cheating is still cheating so why would it be any different with emotional violation.
If we weren’t educated on this then it’s important that we need to learn about it now.
I had to sit in this puddle of feeling like a predator for the times I ‘penetrated’ someone else’s space, emotions, heart or energy without permission or consciousness.
Compared to sexual activities, we haven’t got much awareness, or precautions when it comes to emotional interaction.
I had to sit and reflect on the times that I assumed emotional permission and consent. I also had to reflect on the times I wasn’t aware of the emotional boundary that was in place.
Often there is no ‘foreplay’ when it comes to emotional ‘penetration’, we often lash out with our emotions and feelings.
There is often no checking in “How are you feeling?", "Is it good for you?” or ‘lubrication’ with this.
We as women often ejaculate prematurely with our emotions/feelings, leaving men often wondering “What the f*ck just happened?”
There is often no check-in or ‘after care’, after the ‘ejaculation’ or ‘penetration’ either.
When it comes to this emotional penetration, I feel like women are the Masculine ones. While men have a physical penis, women have an emotional penis that can be suddenly erect and ready for penetration at a moment notice. I feel like a lot of us have treated men like a ‘hole’ to ‘dump our load’ into.
F*ck! I felt like a predator as the level of guilt and ‘yuckiness’ surged through my body while I healed these parts of myself. I have had a month to come in and out of this to try and process it. I have had multiple conversations with hubby and sincerely apologised for the times I have ‘violated’ him. At the same time, to remind him of his rights towards his boundaries and consent.
We often forget that while we regularly tune in to our feelings and emotions, some men have not had the capability to hold our emotions. There is a rise of men tapping into their feminine, but this is still only probably 1% of the population. Many men are still scared/fearful/overwhelmed by their own emotions and feelings, let alone how to handle with their partners feminine energy.
It’s like asking for hardcore sex the first time you are intimate with someone. Pretty nuts right?
As women, we often dump our emotions and feelings onto our men, even if they are not ‘ready’. We often do this to get stuff off our chest, to feel lighter, without even thinking about whether our men are ready or capable of holding us, or our emotions, feelings and energies. Then we resent them if they ‘jump in’ with their ‘solutions’ or go into ‘fixing’ mode.
If we as a society (more so women) demand more consciousness and accountability from Men for their sexual behaviours, we also need to be held accountable for our actions when it comes to emotional behaviour and everything else in between.
We as women also owe it to ourselves to fully express our emotions and feelings in a way that is free of judgments, criticism, guilt or shame. It is a big reminder for us to give ourselves full permission to do so for us, however, with consciousness around others. We can't ask Men to hold us, our feelings, emotions and energy if we are not willing to do it ourselves.
This is also to remind men of their emotional boundaries, check into their bodies of what they need and voice it out. Men don’t have to be open for ‘emotional penetration’ just because they are there. This is a call for raising more awareness around our behaviours and how we relate to one another.
p.s. [To all my ‘emotional victims’, from the bottom of my heart, I want to send this sincere apology to you, especially Men. Please forgive me for all the time I ‘penetrated’ you without your permission and consent and then expected you to hold me, accept me and love me. Thank you for your openness, heart & patience throughout this journey. xx]
p.s.s Thank you my beautiful friend Jackie Kat who initiated this whole conversation around the emotional penis
Image Credit: Catherine Thompkins